On Doing Anything (Why Free Will is a Value)

Saturday, April 19, 2025

I’m writing this post to ground myself in what I care about. The last few months have been interesting. A familiar feeling that’s come to the fore has been a quiet anxiousness that blooms in anticipation. I’m aware I’m in a bubble. Many of my friends—who I wasn’t particularly close to until this winter—have left their respective schools and taken gap terms. I suspect that many of them won’t return.

From conversations and assumptions, I gather they left either to make money, work on problems they felt were urgent, or because college felt unfulfilling or diminishing in return. All of these reasons resonate with me. Frankly, I left for a combination of medical reasons and, after my summer internship, not being in the right headspace to be in school. For those who ask why I didn’t apply for a transfer—this is why.

Over the past year, I’ve been fortunate to participate in opportunities that have helped me grow and feel cared for. With the spaciousness that being out of school provides, I tried to explore who I was. I forgot that being out of school isn’t a designation—people live and work in many ways as adults. I’m writing this because I think I’ve become consumed by expectations.

I value exploration, and this chapter has been about figuring out my purpose and how to orient myself to life. I believe that much of the intrinsic goodness in the world comes from our ability to make something of it. When external forces infringe on that ability, I think they’re culpable.

I’ll never get my twenties back—and I’m turning 20 next month.

Patrick Collison once wrote something I read at 17: that you shouldn’t judge your success relative to your peers. I think that still rings true. I’m a little weird relative to them, and that’s okay.

I’ve tried to go deep into different things. Most notably, I learned how to get comfortable with the terminal and the code editor. I also learned to enjoy writing—to express my thoughts—and, outside of this blog, to make those words more pointed and rooted in provoking ideas.

Domain-wise, I found a niche in policy and governance that I could speak to, albeit as a novice. I’ve grown fond of infrastructure—libraries and databases. Economics is a subject I thought I’d be good at, but I now spend little time with it. Still, I can navigate a wiki and reference the basics. Maybe I have some intuition.

Lately, I’ve felt out of breath. And when you’re catching your breath, it’s interesting how your body doesn’t do the most efficient things. Your lungs fill sharply in short intervals, your chest tightens, and your mind spirals into thinking you’ll never get enough air. You’re jailed in a loop of shallow breaths, and you forget to breathe. I feel like I’ve forgotten to breathe, but I’m trying to remember.

In responsibility, in events, in a world that feels out of control—it’s nice to feel like you have your breath and your pace. In reckoning with my values, I’ve become more confident that I care about space, choice, and the ability to act on what matters to me. I think I let that slip. This blog is a reminder to get it back.