Reflections in a list.

May 16, 2024

1. I didn't add this before, but have you considered thinking for yourself :o Anyway, now we continue in no particular order...
2. You're French got better. More importantly and noticeably ‒ you understand French better, even the weird version they speak in Montreal.
3. The cold, the snow and the winter will literally break you. I don't know what to say. I can't let that happen again. Whatever the hell that was. My soul? Gone? Yeah, no.
4. Parties are okay. They can be really fun, lol. You should go to them. Against all appearances, you're actually pretty awkward, selectively extroverted. The people you go with matter. Break it down, broski.
5. You'll find people you really like spending time with, they'll expand your worldview. This is good.
6. You'll find a workflow you like. That's good.
7. You'll mess up your sleep schedule, try so many different ones. That's okay. You still haven't figured it out. It's worth sacrificing hours for normalcy and some balance. It's better when this is by choice.
8. Math isn't that bad. Learning it on your own isn't that bad. Actually, question why you're learning it. Statistics is something you like, not everyone likes it. Something to keep in mind.
9. CS classes you don't like. Programming you do like, kind of. It's instrumental.
10. Your intuition isn't that bad. I argue it's actually pretty good. You should listen to it.
11. People underestimate you and that's okay. They have no reason to be perfectly calibrated on your abilities, you act goofy most of the time anyways.
12. You have to. I repeat, you have to stay calibrated. You have to know your potential. Know what you're bad at. Accept that. Learn. Know how fast you can learn, how slow some things are for you. Know what you can do well. You have to know your flaws. You have to think about this. You're not above ego, but you are above making ignorance an excuse.
13. You are a woman. You are black. These things are not labels you stick on your forehead, but it doesn't mean they are not real. People will often ask you what's it's like being the latter, when you're one of a few. Come up with a kind, but honest, and careful answer to this. They're curious, I understand. I am too.
14. You're childhood is not something you can run away from. But you've moved on from that. The fact that you are a daughter will always be with you. Figure out what that means. It was never your responsibility, it was not your fault. You did what you thought you had to. You can't live with grief. Responsibility shouldn't be your only reason, you know?
15. You should actually live. Live, laugh, love. The suburban mothers are on to something. These things are sometimes painful, but they are worth it in the end.
16. Don't pigeon hole yourself. You pigeon-hole yourself. You will lie to yourself and say you aren't; you are—it's statistically true or something. There's always more out there, even if you don't know what. They're worth exploring.
17. You have to believe in something. Commitment to the bit. It can be all you have, but it's no small thing. It's okay if you're wary. It'll be a life-pursuit to figure out what to do with this, and maybe find the bit that isn't a bit. But, for now. I'm not sure.
18. If you're comfortable that's good, but be comfortable in contentment, not in what is sub-optimal. Stare into the abyss. Sit in uncertainty or not doing something, even if that means you live in liminality—especially because you will (?): thinking is a "something," and it needs space.
19. Truth. It's nice.
20. Calm. It's nice.
21. Excitement. It's nice.
22. Novelty. It's nice.
23. Fresh air. It's nice.
24. Time. Morning. Light. They're so nice.
25. Feeling okay, feeling good. It's nice. You have to try, it takes effort. The effort, I mean, you just have to.
26. Your NPC fits are lowkey just your style. Finding jeans will be an endeavour for life. I fear I simply have to go to Levi's and drop a band, or worse, go to a tailor.
27. Just start in Overleaf. Please. You're wiser now.
28. Those kids at the daycare did something to you. Man, I love kids. I prefer to call them littler humans. The littler humans are quite cute. Sorry, I didn't say bye. I love all of y'all. Émile, I was busy. But, I love you so much kiddo <333 I feel like you were me when I was a much littler kid, but much cooler. I can't wait to see you grow up, a little older so that you can read this. You're growing up to be an amazing bigger human. You'll steal all the ladies.
29. Feedback is good, really good. The details matter.
30. You should've gone to the doctor, yesterday. It will be okay.
31. Call your brother. He'll call you more. You love them so much. They love you too! You weren't their parent, but he'll let you know that he saw you. It will mean so much. They're why you gave so much. You didn't leave them behind. You left the door open, so they could crawl through when their time comes. You'll be there. When it's their time, you'll promise yourself, you'll be there.
32. Forgiveness, doubt, hopelessness. Joy. Time and space. Time and space. All things will pass. It's a better life to live, when the right things do.
33. Yearning is so much more intense when you aren't looking ahead. Intensity is overwhelming, it makes you lose perspective. Perspective is good. Look ahead.
34. Hopelessness is the worst. Talk yourself out of it. Let your happy-self win.
35. You still like having a site.
36. You should have gotten a journal yesterday. Spend money on it. The stationary is a happiness-boost. I like my G-2. I like the metal one better. Pencil is the best.
37. Zotero is good. Saving links is good. Curius is still really good.
38. Do the project. Start it on your own. Get help when you need it. This is a shakier process, but arguably you learn more. Mentorship is good. You're working on it, and have it in some ways.
39. People will set your sights high. These people are invaluable. Thank you for caring, it means a lot.
40. Gym bro. Get built2win. You actually have to eat for this. Not eating enough is actually bad. You think less well, you feel less good. Being away from home, and able to cook meant you were dumb and budgeted way too much. Ate not great. Rice and vegetables will nourish you, but will it make you happy? I kid, but spend the extra dollars. It's worth it. Food with friends, outside, it's worth it. You actually like the coffee at home. So, don't bother. You save money on that too.
41. Coherence. A story to tell is nice. Complexity means these factors are bundled in what seems incomprehensible. Just build the better vocabulary.
42. Literature was a nice class. I don't know how to approach classes. Small major, fun classes. Learn what this school is good at.
43. Time is finite.
44. For the future, you want a good co-working community. I have to spend time thinking about this. You might take a gap year. I think I want to stay here. But, things are uncertain.
45. Sorry.
46. Thank you.
47. Period. No questions.
48. No comment.
49. Dignity is a virtue. A soldier who comes home broken, is still a man who died for his country. Nothing in your life will likely be that serious, but die with dignity, boo.
50. Tell your friends you love them. You don't actually have to say "i love you." Maybe, you should. If you're my friend and you're reading this-I love you! If you're reading this, you're my friend.
51. Confrontation is really hard. You've never really done it before, and you're not good at it. It's a skill.
52. Just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's not worth it.
53. Clean in bursts. It's surprisingly easy to not keep up with this. See something and pick it up. 5-minute sprint.
54. Wealthsimple is so easy for taxes.
55. Invest.
56. Maybe there's a right way to do all of this, but does it matter? Maybe. Do it your way. The right way. With rightness defined by you. Seek this definition, the feeling of rightness. You won't be far off from the truth. Set by God?
57. Kid, you don't really need scarcity mindset, anymore. This is the best term to describe my (past) inhibition. You got time, resources, people, energy, some potential. Sure, they aren't infinite, they might not last forever, but look around and have faith. So, chill, lmao. You're good. You kind of have to relish in the abundance to fix the starvation. It's very foreign, but that stasis, calm. Good.
58. I want to do an insane hike again. You're kind of granola. A little bit.
59. Get yourself a phone number. A Canadian one. Please. This is turning into a to-do list.
60. Oh yeah, to-do lists are awesome. Add a notes portion to the bottom. Google calendar is awesome.
61. Charge your phone more, it has your alarm on it. If it's not charged then you don't have an alarm.
62. Maybe I'll update this, but good luck!